Motherly guilt has already set in

We have now hit the 19th week mark and I’m finally starting to believe this will actually happen. So it was with great anticipation that we went into our anatomical ultrasound on Monday this week. I expected to see the same fuzzy pictures we always see and was excited to see how much the baby has developed since the last ultrasound picture.

The technician told me: “You have very, very, very busy baby”. She also noticed the 3 fibroid tumors on the inside of my uterus and the one growing on the outside. I’m going to have a lopsided pregnancy belly, but I can handle that. The fibroids are putting pressure on the kidneys and I can handle that too. The kid is using one of the lower fibroids as a kickboxing bag and I do feel it. Another thing I can handle (payback comes later when he/she finds out they’re grounded, straight out of the gate).

What was a little hard to handle were the 4D ultrasound images they handed us at the end of the appointment. While we looked at the monitor in awe – we saw what we expected to see, what our friends saw with their babies and what we see in movies – that fuzzy ultrasound picture where, like a Picasso, you have to really concentrate to understand some of what you’re seeing. What we got were very graphic and detailed images of our 5 month old baby who was not quite ready for a cameo yet. Perhaps it’s my fault for strutting around thinking I was carrying the Gerber baby inside me and ignoring the fact that he/she has a lot of growing and changes to go through. The images caught us both off guard and weren’t at all what we expected. A little too much information at this early stage, perhaps.

So I spent the night tossing and turning and having nightmare after nightmare of losing the baby in the supermarket and waking up feeling terribly guilty and inadequate as a Mother – already.

It is truly a miracle that we have created this tiny little kicking being. There is no doubt about that. I can’t wait to see him/her again and am even more excited to meet TBD in the flesh. I think I just prefer the illusion vs reality, the fuzzy, “I can’t quite make out what that is” ultrasound images versus the Discovery Channel quality pictures that were handed to us on Monday.

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About Becoming Mommy

I'm a 42 year old woman pregnant with my first child. It's been a rough road to get here and even rougher once I got here! Books and websites cannot prepare you for what you're about to go through -emotionally and physically.
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