When do I finally get to relax?

I guess after having a few miscarriages your eyes are automatically trained to check the toilet paper every time you have go. In fact, sometimes you even hold your bladder for as long as you can for fear that when you do look down, there will be the devastatingly disappointing appearance of blood signifying that it is, again, game over.

I’ve been fortunate this time, however a more ‘detailed’ doctor may have prepared me for a few cases where blood may be present, such as implementation bleeding. I swear my Ob-gyn thinks I’m one of those crazy pregnant women who thinks it’s her right to employ the entire medical team every time she feels an ache or pain she can’t identify. So in my panic at the sight of this bleeding instead of reassuring me that it was probably just this implementation bleeding – she suggested I got to the ER if I was ‘that worked up about it’. Hmmm. And she is going to guide me through the following months of even more unknowns? Not so reassuring. Note: Get a doctor who gives a rat’s ass if you’re going to do this. Not one who tells a 42-year-old woman that she drank wine and ate sushi when she was pregnant. She was pregnant at 22. Your uterus is practically invincible at that age.

So after a few days of the light spotting it finally stopped and all the pregnancy symptoms were still there. The alarm was over but I swear I’ll be on guard until D-day (delivery day -not the bad D-Day). My partner reassures me constantly by reminding me that I’m still crazy, bitchy, emotional and forgetful so I’m clearly still pregnant. This is called ‘support’.  How soon they forget about Loreena Bobbit.

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Christmas and turkey related ‘bumps’

Christmas was different this year. We had just lost my Grandma who was always the ‘hub’ of the holidays growing up so mix hormones and grief and you get a holiday full of self-pity. My parents and brother (and wife) spent Christmas abroad in the exotic land of Egypt. You really notice how important family is during the holidays – especially when they are AWOL! But it was fun to spend the day with my partner’s family who I love and enjoy.

At just under 10 weeks I haven’t noticed too many obvious changes – obvious to anyone else. Maybe the teenage like acne is a bit of a giveaway but other than that I really didn’t think anyone else could tell. However I could a few comments about my little ‘bump’. Pretty sure that ain’t no bump – that’s your mothers turkey and to-die-for stuffing! But I went with the whole bump theory to save myself some embarrassment.

It was easy not to drink wine because the very thought of it makes me gag but what I am having a hard time with is giving up the coffee and tea. It’s hard to wake up in the morning without it and I miss the warm, steamy ritual. My fix is a Starbucks Decaf soy vanilla latte. Hell if I have to give up caffeine, I’m keeping the sugar!

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Hormone range – I am an island

Hormone  rage – WTF? I thought I was supposed to be all glowy and happy now that I’m finally pregnant so where is this irrational anger and sadness coming from? The hardest part about this stage is that you aren’t really supposed to tell anyone you’re pregnant and if they don’t know they can’t tell… by ‘looking’ at you. But listening to you is a different thing! All of a sudden the smallest things can make you cry and god forbid if anything sad really does happen because then you’ll be a level 4 emotional disaster. Out of no where I can get angry over nothing and even while I’m yelling and screaming and throwing TV converters at 50 mph’, I can hear the faint echo of my former self saying ‘Am I insane? What am I saying? This doesn’t even make sense to me!”, and yet you can’t stop. You’re a sane person trapped in a crazy persons body and there’s no way out.

The pregnancy books are wrong. People know you’re pregnant way before you start showing if they know you at all. It is evident long before the weight gain with all the emotional outbursts, the forgetful things you do like filling your car with diesel, re-piercing a hole in your ear that has been healed for over 20 years and putting the pasta in the saran wrap box.  You can try to hide it but as it turns out, hormones are bigger than you’ll ever be and they are hell to  camouflage.

Still waiting for the glowing and peaceful pregnancy state to begin. Should be anytime now.

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Stress & distress -who can stay calm?

After several attempts at this baby-making thing, I am trained to be very, very aware of every little pain or change in my body in anticipation of the worst-case scenario about to happen. Sometimes it’s great to hear that every woman experiences pregnancy different because maybe that means the light spotting you’re seeing won’t result in the light spotting your friend saw.. just before she miscarried. On the other hand it would just make life so much easier if there was a process document of exactly what to expect and when. That way we could tick off all the symptoms and when one doesn’t occur or something different happens – then we automatically know what to do – call the doctor. Instead it’s this constant stress of wondering if this time next week I’ll still be pregnant.

I’m pretty sure I’m tired of everyone telling me not to stress because it’s not good for the pregnancy. What’s not good for the pregnancy is 3 previous miscarriages because they make you a paranoid mess every time something goes perceivably wrong. How are you supposed to stay calm and exude the pregnancy ‘glow’ when every little change or pain strikes fear in your heart?

It would all be manageable if you could just have a hot bath and relax but alas… hot baths are just one of the many luxuries I’ll have to give up during the pregnancy. I’m happy to do so, if you know who would just co-operate and stick with me this time!

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Becoming Mommy

This past year has been full of ups and downs but none more emotionally challenging than the highs of finding out I was pregant and the lows that i felt after i miscarried – 3 times.  I always thought that I’d be fine trying to get pregnant at 40. I listened to the media, friends and movies all show me that I was part of a growing norm of women getting pregnant later in life. Not so much. What they all neglected to tell me was the crazy times I’d have going through this little adventure called Motherhood!

In mid-October, after yet another miscarriage, I found out I was pregnant… again. It’s hard to get excited anymore when you see that pink little plus sign telling you you’re knocked up yet again. Telling family is even less exciting. The first time everyone was naturally excited. Now they just look at you like “that’s great.. you poor thing. Don’t get too excited because we all know what could happen”. Bubble bursted. So the first few weeks are hell. Sheer hell.

And so begins the Becoming Mommy adventure.

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